How do you initiate a difficult conversation? Even when I felt fully justified in my point of view, I can’t think of a time when going in with guns blazing resulted in a successful outcome. In yesterday’s post on John Gottman’s findings about good relationships, I mentioned the value of a “soft startup,” i.e. initiating a tough discussion gently and compassionately, rather than leaping in with harsh, critical comments.
I participated in some role-plays today with students at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business, and the experience made it quite clear that a soft startup goes a long way toward resolving difficulties successfully. Family therapist J. Bailey Molineux discusses Gottman’s definition of a soft startup, and although his comments are aimed at discussions between spouses, they can be paraphrased effectively for use in professional relationships [1]:
How to Initiate a Soft Startup
- Start with something positive.
- Use first-person “I” statements to express your perspective and your feelings. (Don’t assume that what you perceive is the only possible truth.)
- Don’t make assumptions about the other party’s perspective. (They may not even be aware that there’s a problem, or it may not be their fault–and they may be happy to help solve it if they’re approached in the right way.)
- State your request clearly, firmly and politely. (And acknowledge any concessions that are granted.)
This is just the beginning of the discussion, not the conclusion, and you’ll need a number of additional behavioral skills in your repertoire to succeed. But marriage researchers like Gottman have concluded that spouses are much more likely to resolve difficult conversations successfully when they use a soft startup, and that’s true in our professional relationships as well.
[1] Loving Isn’t Easy: A Complete Guide for Understanding, Improving, and Saving Your Marriage (J. Bailey Molineux, 2000)
3 Responses
Soft startups, hard startups – just get started! I’m becoming more and more aware of the significance of the conversations each and every one of us avoids every day. We play them out in our minds before a word has been spoken – usually worst case scenario prevails – and use this as an excuse to slip back into inertia. I made it a resolution this year to start some conversations I’ve avoided for too long. To be honest, the results of some haven’t been pretty. But at least there’s a real life, real time connection; the prospect of progress. What conversations are you avoiding right now?
Great blog, Ed, which I’ve enjoyed stumbling on tonight!
Steve: You’re absolutely right–I think most of us have some difficult conversations we’re avoiding or putting off, and there’s usually something valuable to be gained by taking a chance and diving in. That said, I think our chances of having a successful, productive and positive interaction go up dramatically by investing a little time and effort in a soft startup. Thanks for the kind words!
Sham: Thanks as well–it’s much appreciated. I do want to point out that these ideas aren’t original to me–I’m merely adapting J. Bailey Molineaux’s synthesis of John Gottman’s research conclusions. Standing on the shoulders of giants, and all that 😉
Ed
Hi,
You have addressed a much need area in life. Every now and then we come across situation, which require “difficult conversation”. I am going to keep your advice in mind and try to practice it. Thank you very much for the wonderful post.
Sham