Co-created with Erica Peng. Image by Alexandra Koch.
Our clients--leaders like you--are facing a host of challenges related to social and political issues, and a set of themes has emerged in our conversations:
- It's hard for you to determine how best to respond to these issues. Opting out feels wrong, undesirable or impractical, but taking action can raise expectations that seem unreasonable or are beyond your ability to fulfill.
- The cultural and political climate is more polarized than ever. This simultaneously puts pressure on you to take action and makes it more likely that you will be criticized no matter what you say or do.
- When seeking help in addressing these issues, you're seeing a wide range in the efficacy of various approaches. Some seem well-intentioned but ineffective, while others feel actively counter-productive.
In response to these concerns we've developed a virtual workshop to advance your understanding of what's happening in conversations on these topics. We're realistic about what can be accomplished in a single session--our goals are simply to heighten your awareness, practice some core skills, and create an environment in which you can speak candidly with peers about your experiences.
1. PREPARATION
- Have a pad of paper, a pen, and a Sharpie or magic marker available during the workshop.
- Review the Background information below--the additional articles are offered as further context, not obligatory reading.
- Review the Technical Tips below to ensure that you and your workshop partner have the best possible experience.
2. BACKGROUND
Discussions about difference are healthy and necessary, and we'll need to have more of them to resolve the social, cultural, and political challenges we face. But acknowledging difference often triggers strong emotions, including a threat response. When we feel threatened, we're primed to take strong defensive or protective action, which includes not only "fight or flight" reactions, but also such responses as shutting down and disengaging from others, or placating and accommodating them. In addition, we're less effective at processing information, making creative problem-solving even more difficult.
- For more on the factors that trigger a threat response: Neuroscience, Leadership and David Rock's SCARF Model.
As a result, discussions about difference often devolve into forceful efforts at advocacy, which tend to reinforce existing views and heighten conflict, or lead people to give up and opt out. What's needed is empathy: the ability to see the world as another person sees it, understand their emotions, suspend our own judgments, and actively communicate this understanding to them. This is necessary even--and perhaps especially--when we find their perspective threatening in some way. But note that empathy is not agreement. We can convey empathy toward another person without sharing their feelings, agreeing with their rationale for their feelings, or endorsing any positions they may take as a result.
- For more on empathy & agreement: Empathy Is Not Agreement
Connection happens when empathy is reciprocal. If we want someone to empathize with us, we have to convey empathy toward them. But people often fail to "empathize up"--we tend not to empathize with leaders or anyone who we perceive as higher status. In this context, vulnerability is key. Expressions of vulnerability that are appropriate to the relationship and the situation are a reliable means of evoking empathy. But when we're triggered and in the grip of a threat response we're reluctant to make ourselves vulnerable.
- For more on empathy & vulnerability:
An essential quality in these conversations about difference is a sufficient degree of psychological safety, a topic that's been studied extensively by Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson. In a psychologically safe setting, Edmondson notes,
Individuals feel they can speak up, express their concerns, and be heard. This is not to say that people are "nice." A psychologically safe workplace is one where people are not full of fear, and not trying to cover their tracks to avoid being embarrassed or punished.
- For more on psychological safety:
- Make Your Employees Feel Psychologically Safe (Martha Lagace interviewing Amy Edmondson)
- How Leaders Create Safety (and Danger)
- Safety, Trust, Intimacy
A challenge faced by leaders in this context is that such conversations may not feel psychologically safe for you, given the factors noted above, particularly the likelihood of being criticized no matter what steps you take. This is normal and to be expected--again, note that addressing issues related to difference reliably triggers a threat response. But here leaders who have been trained to hide their feelings and appear invulnerable will be at a disadvantage, not only because they'll fail to evoke empathy, but also because we know that talking about feelings--especially the ones we don't want to discuss--makes them easier to manage.
So keys to success include:
- Recognizing and managing our triggers.
- Conveying empathy without necessarily agreeing.
- Allowing ourselves to be appropriately vulnerable.
- Practicing repeatedly, because these are learned skills that involve our physiological responses. Cognitive awareness is a useful starting point, but it’s insufficient on its own.
3. WORKSHOP AGENDA (All times Pacific)
11:00-11:25am - Introductions & Opening Exercise
11:25-11:35am - Conceptual Background
11:35-11:40am - Somatic Activity
11:40am-12:20pm - Interpersonal Skills Exercise & Debrief
12:20-12:50pm - Group Discussion
12:50-1:00pm - Closing
4. TECHNICAL TIPS
Here are a few guidelines to make our virtual workshop as useful as possible for everyone:
- Privacy: Find a private space in which you won't be interrupted or distracted. If it's possible that other people in your location might overhear this virtual conversation, wear headphones to insure the privacy of the other workshop participants.
- Tools: In a virtual conversation the quality of the tools we use and the surrounding environment can have a big impact on the quality of the conversation. Ensure that you’ll have uninterrupted access to a broadband connection if at all possible. Consider using an outboard camera and microphone for better image and sound quality. Pay particular attention to your lighting and your background.
- Presence: Virtual conversations can be meaningful only to the extent that everyone participating is fully present and actively involved. Turn off any devices, services or alarms that might distract you. Multi-tasking will be obvious to the other participants and will diminish the sense of safety and trust in the group. Strive to be fully present and make it as easy as possible to do so.
- Confidentiality: Virtual conversations have the potential to be more meaningful when participants’ trust in the group’s confidentiality. We'll touch on this at the beginning of the workshop, and again, if you're sharing a location with others wear headphones.
5. NEXT STEPS
As we note above, we're realistic about what can be accomplished in a single session, and we hope you'll complete the workshop with some ideas about how to continue these efforts.
- We encourage you to share contact information with your workshop partner and other participants. All of the participants are CEOs and/or co-founders, and in our experience it's important for leaders to cultivate trusting relationships with peers in order to have candid conversations about the challenges they face.
- Contact Erica about other ways of working together:
- 1:1 coaching on issues related to difference and group dynamics.
- Skill-building retreats for executive teams, including T-groups.
- Group trainings for individual contributors on managing their triggers, regulating emotions, and working across differences.